The Bible and Murderous Bears

Most people don't know that the proposition that bears are evil, godless, killing machines is supported by the Bible which we all know is the official word of God himself.

2 Kings 2:23-24 (New International Version)

Check this out! 
23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" 

24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Bears went wild and attacked and gravely wounded 42 children! Bears are amazingly fickle, ugly sub-animals with a hair trigger personality. All that happened because one of the children called this old bald-headed bastard a baldhead. That was it! And then these bears attacked and mauled all these children. They did it without any remorse what so ever. Remorse is not mentioned at all in the Bible. At godlesskillingmachines.com, we want to urge parents not to allow their children to play with bears. We've all seen what can happen when our precious children are allowed to come too close to these godforsaken creatures. God should smite every last one of them!

Celebrity Bear Murders Trainer!!

We've all seen these cutesy-poo bear toys. Here we see the Sierra Club pimping it's own stuffed animal. Although we all know that the Sierra Club can't be trusted since they offer safe-harbor to all sorts of human-hostile animals including bears which should not be unexpected since these bear-toys are made in communist China by oppressed political prisoners. The blood of the innocent is all over these Sierra Club bear toys. One might think that the Sierra Club had hired Joseph Goebbels given the cleverness of this stunt.
These sorts of photos lead a person into a state mental and emotional unguardedness. Bears are cute. Bears love their cubs. Bears are all warm and cuddly. We've all heard that!
Well ... THAT'S WRONG!!!! This bear was caught a little offguard spewing his hatred and anger out towards others. He's a toxic beast and responsible for all kinds of mayhem and murdering. So it would seem obvious to not get close to one of these ill-willed creatures.
On April 24, 2008, San Bernardino County sheriff's spokeswoman Cindy Beavers (must have been her porn name!) announced that a celebrity bear (he had been in some low rent movie) had attacked and killed his trainer. It's a perfect case of biting the hand that feeds you and any 11 year old knows you shouldn't do that! The bear murdered his his trainer of many years by biting him right on the neck. This was nothing but a calculated cold-blooded, premeditated outright murder.

You know what the weirdest thing about this whole case is? That the murder took place in Big Bear Lake in California! I've never been to Big Bear Lake but it sounds like a place where bears run rampant murdering and probably raping and pillaging too. This is a disgusting story but serves as a warning that we need to continue to live in fear of bears.

God Threatens Children with Bears

In what is a remarkable low for the field of advertising and organized religion, this new fear campaign takes the cake. Most of the major religions have gotten behind this campaign of intimidation by telling our children that they need to tow the line in church or they will be eaten by bears.

To add insult onto injury the ad actually contains profanity! Kids: Don't FUCK with God says the sign. It's amazing that they used a sexually connotated word like fuck to intimidate children. The last thing we need is to have children learn about sex! Although it's a horrible sign you have to hand it to the advertising agency - they knew exactly what would terrify children the most - that's right - BEARS. And in a perverse sickening way it makes sense to combine profanity with bears. They are profane creatures without souls. There's nothing we can really do. Forgive me for ranting, but I was so appalled at using God (who knew in advance not to give souls to bears) and bears to scare our children. They are our future - they deserve better than this.

US Government launches racist attack against the Inuit culture

The Inuit are a group of culturally similar indigenous peoples inhabiting the Arctic regions of Alaska, Greenland, and Canada. These primitive, but proud, people have traditionally relied on fish, marine mammals, and land animals (like bears!) for food, clothing, tools, and shelter. The Inuit's are God fearing folk - mostly Christian, which is good. Some of the Inuit subscribe to Shamanism which is like a religion except that it's not. Those who believe in Shamanism like to beat drums and chant a lot. However, what is suspicious about those type of people is that they have animal spirit guides - often times BEARS! So I think it's obvious why there is room for concern with Shamanism. But like I said, most are Christian which means that most of them worship the one true God. So we need to think of the Inuit as our "friends." If for no other reason than they kill and eat bears!

This leads us to the primary point of this post. The United States of America has launched a campaign to save the bears. This is some kind of environmental thing. It has to be - otherwise who would want to actually save bears? It makes no sense. It makes less than no sense because The US Fish and Wildlife Service, under direction of President Bush, has held off on offering a plan to save the bears where we need to drill for oil. The only obvious conclusion is that President Bush hates the Inuit.

I have been called a racist for thinking this! This disturbs me greatly as the Inuit are too adorable for me to racicize them. But I have been vindicated now that we have obtained an actual invasion plan from the US Military.

We see in this invasion plan that our military will strike on two fronts involving National Guard troops from Harrisburg, PA and Ames, IA. The Inuit will not know what's coming and I don't know why our government wants to liberate them from their bear killing. It's not like they waste the bears (although there's nothing wrong with that). They eat the bears and make tools from their bones and they wear bear hide to keep warm. The US has not yet invaded the Inuit. I hope every reader of this blog will contact their Senator and urge them to force the President to back off of this plan. The plan is not good for the Inuit and invading them will probably really piss off the Canadians which we probably shouldn't do. Thank you for taking the time to do that.

Bear hunting season is upon us!!!

For all the human misery that bears have caused, it's always heartwarming when bear season opens up. And as of April 1, Alaska's bear season is under way.

Here at Godlesskillingmachines, we can recommend two bear hunts. In California, you can't beat Gorham Hunts. Gorham Hunts down right gaurantees that you will bag a bear. And it's a bargain too at only $1,500 per murdered bear. It's a true American bargain when you consider that a bear hunt in Alaska or Canada can set you back $4,500 or more. These bear murders take place in the beauty of Klamath River National Forrest. There's no more pleasant way to spend a week than putting a Grizzly in the crosshairs of your scope and oh-so-gently squeezing off the round that puts down a bear.
Chase Adventure Hunting Adventures in Alaska can put you in touch with your playful inner child by arranging a 10 day bear murdering spree complete with a guide.

The Chase Adventure is much more expensive (at $11,000) but you get to murder your bear in the snow. If you love the scenic beauty of a winter wonderland mixed with the red, warm feel of freshly flowing bear blood, then the Chase Adventure excurstion is for your family!

NEWSFLASH! Vegans Don't Eat Bears!

Asbjorn Intonsus has written a cookbook. We're supposed to be excited about this I guess. I looked through this book, and I did not find a single recipe using tasty bear meat. Not one. Hundreds of recipes and not a single one using bear meat. Was this just an oversight?

Asbjorn Intonsus, obviously not an American with a name like Asbjorn, is from Vegan (which explains his name). There are lots of bears in North America. The fact that there are no bears in his native Vegan is probably the reason that there are no bear recipes. Not even a bear stew!

This book is in the vein of Soy Not Oi according to Amazon.com. I have no clue what that means, but it can't be good. Furthermore, this book is one in the line of cruelty-free cookbooks. Mr. Intonsus seems to believe that we shouldn't be cruel to bears. Why he would take such an absurd and indefensible position is beyond me. The damn book even has crossword puzzles and discussions of what music to listen to while eating. The point being that clearly Mr. Intonsus couldn't flesh out a real cookbook so he filled it with other stuff.

Let's face it. This cookbook is a snoozer. There are no bear recipes. In fact, as I perused the book, I don't recall seeing a single meat recipe. It's a mighty peculiar book.